The unuttered ramblings of a poet lost

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I’ve become so guarded I don’t even know what im thinking anymore

I worry constantly that this life has swallowed me whole

That I will forever revel in homework, and childhood illnesses and what to have for dinner

sometimes my mind craves more cries out for an experience not ordinary

I am thankful for this family we have created but, what is there to do when I see myself fading out

I love the people I have but not myself

I fall apart daily in my mind wondering who I am and where I would be now if I knew

I struggle to be someone to mean something I mean really mean something to you

I write poetry here that no one will read
I sing alone where no one will hear
In my head there are conversations playing endlessly begging for an audience
Once I fell in love with all my pretty ideas and eloquence
Now I fear anyone will know these thoughts I hold
What the past holds creates all this noise
Silence is oppressive when you’re left alone with opinions on so much

There is a certain comfort in knowing you will never be PERFECT,no not even close to it. You see what you want, that is a given and perfection is definitely subjective but, what of the times when you wonder what happened and where it all went and how you lost every ounce of the person you know you were. What do you do when all that you loved and believed made you unique has faded and been sacrificed to all you thought you had to be for the world to make sense? A daily struggle to untangle and unwind all the mess you’ve created in your own head wanting if just for a day, a minute, hell even a solitary few seconds to feel that way again. To not feel lost and cast off in an existence where you know she was and will never be again.

Some days I feel as though I could make anything happen and those are the worst where the people I speak to don’t seem to hear a thing I say

I think this time it will be different maybe, this time it will sink in, and there comes creeping up from deep within that ache, the yearning to be more, feel more, exist more. I stand on the edge of life waiting, craving more to know how special and different one can be and feel on the inside while life allows me and I it to just fade off into obscurity without a whimper. There lies between these ears so many ideas at times its hard to hear and the actualization is the worst. Finding time to jot this or that between the mundane and fighting with the ocd that continually beats me in the head telling me how much more important one normal task is to myself versus the pursuit of myself…I think sometimes I wish it were different that I felt the freedom of release and relief in knowing with wild abandon I create.

Sometimes I wonder where I disappeared

Somewhere between now and so long ago

Life swallowed me whole

Greif spilled out in words on the page while remaining locked down somewhere deep inside

The constant ache in my soul for relief, for release, for anything that would make it all okay

It’s almost like time blinked and I was here fading into obscurity wondering what happend

As if I ever had a choice or a voice in the vastness that would swallow up every word I wrote as if it never mattered anyway

Because it never did, if my words could reach out and touch you and you would know every single second of feeling I ever had for you they would

But, they are forever here inside this head behind these dull eyes where this mind wonders, what if ,

Constantly what if , they were still here? I was allowed my childhood? time and age and disease hadn’t caused me to leave home? love had been enough? the aching was gone? I really loved myself? and what if I felt like any of this mattered to anyone other than me?

Sometimes I wonder when I disappeared

thethepoetry asked: Hello! I couldn’t help but notice your great interest in poetry. Our blog, THEthepoetry, is a tumblr extension based off our popular website all about poets, poems and the art of poetry. You can find a link and more information on our tumblr page, which I invite you to check out and perhaps follow if you find it interesting. Please feel free to message me back with any comments or questions. Have a great day!

Thank you for that, and yes I am greatly interested. I feel that the written or spoken form of a poem is the most eloquent way to convey your innermost thoughts…

There lies a greediness deep within me which I cannot fill

A yearning to be more than this, to feel more than I can now

I want to hear every note this world offers and smell every scent

I am numb in this moment lost in the eventualities of life being lived to survive as opposed to thriving

The words spilled across this page somehow seem less impactful now with ears that will never hear them and eyes that choose not to see

Passion is made in our dreams and desires but, what of the moments when we can see that life has chased them so far away

Those moments when in glimpses we see who we were and who we long to be once again

Lost unbeknownst to how to return to those dreams where we truly felt alive and passionate about something other than survival

Silence is here…in all these words I scream but the only one there to see me is this screen

Time moves past me now

Caught between that girl then and this woman now

Lost

Love was here then and faded now where are we

Broken and painful this heart still beats empty save for the songs of those created

A poet without words

A reckoning, coming to terms

Idealistic views have corrupted the now as I sink back and wonder just how

Did I come here and the why and wherefore and what of the past and why not more

I expected nothing less and thought I could see

Strong or so I thought at least unto me

Numb now, hold back the burning tears and let me be

The only future now is in my children’s eyes for I wonder what love and what lies

Convinced myself I knew more meant more but, who really does and what is it for

Ego and comfort or cold and solace

Time moves past me now